dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
