i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
