i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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