I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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