last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
