Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
