friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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