this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
