the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Sorry my hands just texted you
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
