My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
