Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
