is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
