your thong is hanging out like whoa
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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