i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
