My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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