Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
