So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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