dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
