I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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