woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
