.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
