He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize