Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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