i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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