he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
