My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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