Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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