Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
