I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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