drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
