Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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