Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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