mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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