saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
