I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize