I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
