I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
