is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
