You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
