Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
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