i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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