That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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