you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
