I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
