I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
