Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
