I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
