hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize