THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
