You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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