I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dear god my vagina.
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