don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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