I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
