but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize