My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
