just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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