Just fell off a train. Bad.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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