I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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