I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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