matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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