Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
