so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
