apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
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