Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think I won the penis lottery.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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