I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
