I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
