Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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