a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
