so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
